So, Evanescence has a new self-titled album now. For those who didn’t know, no this isn’t a false alarm. No, the writers at The Score never write under the influence. Evanescence have quit sporadically giving us false tentative dates. Here’s the sort of album review for you!

Before you feel the need to read this entire article to find out about the way we rate Evanescence’s new album. Let me give you the low down on it. Mercifully brief. Or not. This article has been ingeniously and conveniently divided for our readers. For those of y’all who love, hate and know nothing about Evanescence, through a series of hypothetical conversations for each one of you. Don’t worry. I’ve been tested for schizophrenia and it’s negative.

1) For those who love Evanescence aka  Reading Evanescence Fans (REF)

REF: Is Evanescence as good as their previous albums?

The Score: Heck yeah. It’s better.

REF: Is Amy Lee still all Goth and shiz?

TS: Yeah. The four year identity crisis hiatus she had only made it worse. Also it’s a little bit hot. 

REF: Which are the best songs off the album?

TS: Listen to them all. It’s all appreciable.  

REF: So like, are you really going to review this album or are you just going to continue having hypothetical conversations with readers?

TS: The Score will always give you what you want. We’ll get to that in a bit. Tomorrow is when the real review is. This is not procrastination. 

2) For those who hate Evanescence aka Reading Evanescence Haters (REH)

REH: I don’t like Evanescence’s previous work. Am I going to like this?

TS: If you like Disturbed, possibly. They’ve gotten a little better with their whole Goth/Emo get up. If you hate Goth/Emo Rock, definitely not.

REH: Why is Amy Lee such a disturbed looking Goth chick man?

TS: She needed therapy in life. Then her therapist proposed and she married him. When the only person you think of marrying is your therapist when you have Seether’s ex-guitarist right there it has got to mess you up. It explains eye make up and depressing lyrics in songs. 

REH: Imagine if Amy Lee cried with all that eye make up!

TS: That would mean another song by Evanescence. It would be a tragic song of the sad tale of The Ugly Duckling in reverse.

3) For those who are unaware of the evanescent nature of Evanescence aka Reading Evanescence Noobs (REN)

REN: Who are Evanescence?

TS: They’re this Goth/Emo band. So much so that they sing pretty well about it. Formed in 1995, popularized in 2003.

REN: Okay. What songs do I listen to first?

TS: Bring me to life and My Immortal (2003). Lithium and Call Me When You’re Sober (2006). If you don’t like them for lack of emo-ness. Listen to the new self-titled album, because they got kind of emo-ly loud with their instruments. If you hate them because they’re depressing, refer the hypothetical REH conversation with us i.e) Heading 2.  If you really, like really liked them, refer REF hypothetical conversation with us i.e) Heading 3.

For the more serious and detailed review of Evanescence’s new album, tune in tomorrow!