Son, you’re growing up now. One day, very soon now, you’re going to hear the Jonas Brothers and hate them.
And suddenly, rock music will start sounding a lot better than noise. Don’t worry. This is perfectly normal. This happens to kids your age. Don’t be embarrassed. When you start feeling this way, come talk to me. I’ll give you some music that will help with the transition from boy to man.
Just about this time, you’ll also hear about these things called Rock Concerts. They’ll happen in our city. And you’ll find that all your friends will want to attend these things. Why, some of them may even be practicing these rock songs themselves. Don’t be afraid of them. Open your mind.
Now, when you’re attending a Rock Concert, there are a few things to remember:
1. Always wear black. It helps to blend in with the crowd, especially if you have no idea who the band is, what they’re performing, and you can’t scream the lyrics tunelessly like the others.
2. Whatever you do, don’t go right up to the front near the stage if the band is playing Death Metal. Unless of course you weigh over a 100 kilos and hate your body.
This is because of a phenomenon called a mosh pit. It is not for the faint hearted. There will be many metalheads who have grown their hair long for the sole purpose of looking cool at concerts by tossing their hair violently to the music. If you show signs of weakness, they will pummel you to the ground with their freshly conditioned hair and masculine grunts.
3. Don’t be afraid of the women there. They only look scary. Behind the piercings, they’re people too. (Don’t presume to go up and hit on them randomly, though, they might have mad metalhead boyfriends. That would not be good for your health)
4. It’s ok if you can’t hear the vocalist over the distortion. Local rock shows are not about the vocalist. They’re about the bassist, mostly. Because rock is about bass. Which is short for badass. Notice how it’s always the bassist who is besieged by the lovely leddies after the show.
5. Occasionally, rock’s also about the lead guitarist with his awesome solos.
6. Every city has one epic drummer that everybody knows. Drummers are in general cool people who are not violent or tempestuous, having relieved themselves on their instruments. (This is not a dirty joke, son. Stop sniggering.) You should be friends with drummers, but remember that they’re extremely possessive of their sticks. (Seriously. Stop it.)
7. There will be many people consuming fermented beverages and mind expanding substances at concerts. You are encouraged to avoid these for as long as possible. They will not make you a better musician. Unless your name is Clapton. Some people will tell you that certain mind expanding substances may help you enjoy some types of music better. This is a myth. Music needs no supplement. (If you’re still doubtful about this, I know a guy in Saidapet who can help you conduct an empirical study…)
8. Avoid taking girls to concerts. They are not ideal for romantic dates, mostly due to the impossibility of conversation and the smell of sweaty rock-groupies. Unless you are trying to get her all stirred up with the loud music so she’ll do something to you that she’ll regret later. (This may work, but remember, you didn’t hear it from me.)
9. Beware of the toilets at rock shows. Bad things happen there.
10. At some point in your career of attending local rock shows, you will meet and befriend a man called Zombie. This is the sign that your education is complete. You are now officially a rock enthusiast.
He’s quite nice, actually.
Go forth my son. Become a man.
And may your yellow shorts be forever shiny.
Francis Thomas lives in Bombay where his bad advice is elicited by kings and plenipotentiaries. He definitely does want you checking out his blog.