Love songs (Sigh) – A dangerous gimmick unleashed on the innocent with pseudo-verbal superiority, ultimately harbouring a backlash of vengeful single men. The bitter lowdown, to help you slow down.

A good love song is like a copy of Cosmo. It will raise her expectations, and if you are not willing to invest in a perpetual barbershop quartet throwing bits of potpourri on her, you are just not the man she thought you were.

I am going to talk about some of the love songs that have shaken the very foundation of any relationship and created eternal hopeless romantics whose presence in a Catch-22 situation only make their problems incremental. Now, not only are they forced to listen and talk about the songs but also follow them like The Ten Commandments entrusted on them by the Stupid Cupid. And the creation of demands, of course, in the Eves.

5: Bryan Adams – Everything I do (I do it for you)

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What was Bryan Adams thinking when he sang this? No, you tell me. Every damn thing? Everything? That means even when we are brushing, sitting on the loo and struggling with our poo, oh yes mademoiselle everything, everything that there is, is only for you. He completely surrenders himself to her. She is glad. But wait, she has already taken out the scythe. And yes, there won’t be any fight. Just a meek surrender. Thank you Bryan Adams for this song. Hope I am able to follow this when I am in the queue.

“WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE THAT STUPID THING AND PAY SOME ATTENTION TO ME? YOU GONNA WIN ANYWAY!”

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If you haven’t heard them, you are a douchebag. If you have, you are a greater douchebag. Amen. Okay, this song gives us the moral referendum of loving one without asking any questions. They do not tell us, of course, what questions are within the realm of propriety. Nothing! Not “Hey, what is that hobo doing in the bedroom?”. Or “Honey, did you have chlamydia?” Nope. NO. QUESTIONS.

This song elevates them to such a position that it gets difficult to bring them down. Another song that cokes up the dreams of any women and yes there is inflation in that commodity. We are the sufferers and the damned ones.

Thank you once again for conjuring up such brilliance.

“Listen to them And I will flog you in your dreams”

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Now when you are already broken, already bankrupt (in your heart), you need to woo her back and ingrain in her that she is THE one while you are a doofus waiting to do her bid.

Sing this one. Works like magic. Such hopeless grovelling servillity, would melt any heart. Of course, you have tried everything but you need to be with her. This song just does it for you. Bless the both of you.

Day and Night, they ain’t nothing. Nothing but a smelly bag of beans that was kept near your arms.

“We love this song. You got a problem with that?”

2: Brad Paisely- Waitin’ on a Woman

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Brad Paisley is one of those people, who could make receiving a proctology exam sound romantic.. But he wouldnt sink to..! OH GOD NO!

Please Brad don’t do this to us.  But you did. You took one of the most pathetic things in the world and transformed it into something which only ubercool stud-boys do. Waiting on a Woman.<cue in sad violins>

You had to go and do it didn’t you? And now we are doing it alright. But the pain, the anger which comes as an extra ingredient, why did you never speak about it? We demand an answer. I know you have done this. You loved it. But what about us? We the little wee free men whose chance of redemption is now far away. And here goes the last bus.

“LISTEN TO ME…err… LISTEN TO ME.. err.. LISTEN.. DAMN, DID SHE JUST HANG UP?

1: Take any Bollywood song, please

With the evolution in Bollywood, the songs have evolved too. From sweet and succulent they have gone terse and brusque. Gone are the days when the ladies would be coy when demanding love. Now, if you don’t give them what they want, well you know that someone else will give it to them.

And this is what is happening with you too.

Whilst you pathetically mope about the shambles of your relationship and fart noxiously from those beans mentioned earlier, these are the songs you should be listening to.

Shame shame shame. But yes this is a game. I suggest kidnapping her, taking her to a karaoke bar, holding her hands and singing yourself to death in that hoarse voice of yours which will make the mermaids blush. All the best guys.

“THIS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T LISTEN TO ME”