Beauty and the Beast taught you that beastiality is acceptable when accompanied by the Stockholm syndrome. Cinderella told you that it’s okay to grow mice in the house if you’re the one who does all the household chores. Pocahontas and The Little Mermaid taught you that Daddy issues will eventually die down if you have animal friends to support you to pursue a doomed affair with someone from a faraway world. Now, let The Score teach you why the soundtrack from Disney movies will allow you to soothe your troubled conscience.
Aladdin in ‘One Step Ahead’
When: You’re kind of broke and the cashier at the over priced store has absent mindedly given you extra change.
How: The story of Aladdin taught us that beggar boys can marry princesses. It as lovely a story as it is improbable. So let’s cut to what we can feel good about. The first song in the movie is the first time we see Aladdin. He’s stolen a loaf of bread because he’s broke to the bone, and the royal guards are chasing him with swords. Would we ever be caught in that situation? I don’t think so. So if the cashier is giving you more than deserve, it’s because you have a good karma. Yes, the same good karma that sometimes holds up your jeans without the belt when you’re going commando. So listen to the song and feel good about being a pseudo-kleptomaniac. Like Aladdin says, “These guys don’t appreciate I’m broke.”
Ratcliffe in ‘Mine, Mine, Mine’
When: Gluttony has caused you to eat up the slice of pie your mom asked you to save for your sibling.
How: It’s only food. Atleast your not Ratcliffe digging up Pocahontas’ sacred land for gold so as to dethrone the King of England. Also you’re not wearing a cape and feeding your dog while you order workmen to dig on a starved stomach. That is selfishness at it’s absolute. The repeated chorus of ‘Mine, mine,mine’ and ‘Dig and dig and diggity dig’ shows us a man commiting such felony can sing his way to a guilt free conscience. Stealing food from your own fridge will make you feel tons better once you’ve analysed this song. Sing along with Ratcliffe when Pocahontas is not looking.
Sebastian in ‘Kiss The Girl’
When: Intoxication and Jealousy made you blade the canvas of your neighbours convertible.
How: Sebastian sings to make Eric kiss a girl whose name he doesn’t even know. Eric almost does too,even with a singing red haired girl in his head until Ursula interfered. But, it was the thought that counted. Morally repugnant much? We think so. So if you’ve had to much to drink, it’s not your fault if you slipped once and wanted to fulfil your dark desire to trash your snooty neighbours car, when they never sent you sweets on Diwali or sent you cookies when you moved into the neighbourhood. Atleast you had to have your brain functioned compromised to do that. It’d have never been a reggae singing crab.
Gaston in ‘The Mob Song’
When: When you bitched about the harmless guy the girl you like is in love with.
How: Belle was an eccentric pretty girl found love at the hands of a beast who imprisoned her. She never liked pretty boy Gaston. Infuriated Gaston drives the entire town into a fear induced homicidal rage. All because he couldn’t get the impossible to get girl. Vain and cruel. Your words would never hurt as much as sticks and stones. Gaston is going to hell before you.
Frollo in ‘Hellfire’
When: You oggled at your best friends sister
(Yay! Disney has a song for that hard a sin too!)
Frollo is an old and senile man who is obviously, hormonally frustrated if you get my drift. He hates the gypsy Esmeralda and wanted to send her to jail to watch her get tortured. Extreme MnMs! This weirdo sings in prayer for his lustful eye that desires Esmerelda. And he justifies it with weak and barely Catholic arguments with empty supplications by the fire place. It seems like he also likes sweat. He concludes his prayer by singing to the Virgin Mary and all souls holy, that if he can’t have her, he’ll watch her burn to ashes. Phew! Atleast that would rule out necrophilia.
So Disney songs will always be a comfort to the souls of hair eating four year olds who want to fly a magic carpet and you, the silent sinner.