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Why Rap Doesn’t Work

Rap and Hip-Hop will never be as good as Rock and Roll. Here’s why.


In my time of writing from the Score, a lot of people have come to hate me. Metal-heads, Cricket-fans, most of my friends. therefore, it’s time to alienate some more of you people. People who like Rap. 

(Since I do not really understand the difference, I will use the words rap and hip-hop interchangably. Fell free to illluminate in the comments section.) 

The Vh1 list says Public Enemy’s Fight the Power is the single greatest hip-hop song of all time. So I gave it a listen.

[youtube_video id=M_t13-0Joyc]

Most of the song is just dude’s declaiming “Fight the Power” and talking about fucking Elvis’ mum. I understand the historical and cinematic perspective about racial tension etc. etc. but purely musically, that song is akin to a the poetry of a fifteen year old tripping on sudden surges of testosterone and misdirected sexual flustration. 

Second on the the same list is Rapper’s Delight by The Sugarhill Gang.

[youtube_video id=rKTUAESacQM]

Here are the offending lyrics: 

“i got bodyguards, i got two big cars 
that definitely aint the wack 
i got a lincoln continental and a sunroof cadillac 
so after school, i take a dip in the pool 
which really is on the wall 
i got a color tv so i can see 
the knicks play basketball 
hear me talkin bout checkbooks, credit cards 
more money than a sucker could ever spend 
but i wouldnt give a sucker or a bum from the rucker” 

I dunno, pretty ground-breaking compared to P. Diddy up there maybe, but really, the best song of the entire genre is about stuff? Really? 

Compare this to the sublimity of Stairway to Heaven. Or any song by Led Zep. Or the Beatles. 

[youtube_video id=T2M6yV6mueg]


Maybe it is the list that offends, and not rap. Kanye West is often talked of as the idiot-savant of rap music. some of his songs are pretty good, even. But the man has written lyrics like:

I’m just trying to say the way school need teachers,
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that’s the way y’all need Jesus.

-Jesus Walks

Are you into astrology? Cause I’m trying to make it to Uranus

-Getting it In

Or Akon, who likes to keep it straight: ‘I wanna fuck you.’ Thats an entire multimillion dollar career built on the simple desire to fuck you. Can you really trust this person? 

Or Jay Z: 

Mami’s a narcoleptic, always sleepin’ on Hov’,
Gotta tie the back of her head like Deuce Bigalow.

I mean, WHAT the FUCK?

Big Sean’s (Ft. Chris Brown) My Last is apparently one of the best hip-hop song of the summer. Its goes something like: 

Hands up in the air
I just want the
I just want the baddest bitch in the world
Right here on my lap.

[youtube_video id=EeTPi2a2Ld4]

Maybe this is not a fair vaulation of hip-hop. Assuredly, there are some brillilant rap music proabably, uh maybe like twenty percent of the time. If that be so, please tell me what they are. I do not like missing out on the whole bling thing, having robbed my grandmum’s jewellery recently. Come to think of it, that’d make a good rap song won’t it? 

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