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Modern Mafia #4: Varun Das

 Meet the fourth and the final member of Modern mafia: Varun Das, Vocals and guitars. The blurry image was obtained on during a fatal espionage encounter. 

Varun Das (alias, and oddly enough, same initials as venereal disease) had been shaking martinis before James Bond could even spell ‘drunk’. Since he was five, all he wanted were cars, and women in them. Yes we know he was five, but Varun didn’t need no puberty.

A purveyor of B grade Tollywood films, he was instantly inspired to become a secret agent. He was picked up by the best- a man called Mohan (Zohan’s 3rd cousin, twice removed).  Mohan was an NRI, who shared Varun’s love for vegetarian thalis with double servings of rice. No one really knew where Mohan was from, as his accent was as confused as any other NRI in the country. But he was man of multiple special skills. From him, Varun learned how speak in an accent alien to any country. He also learned the art of using hummous to mess his hair like John Mayer. Oy vay? 

However, even after extensive hummous use, Varun still had no women in his life. He didn’t know just what he was doing wrong. Meanwhile, during one of his secret assassination missions, his target led him to the waterlogged streets of Mumbai. It was a chase involving bikes, daggers, loose coats and looser women. One night, it took him to a dingy bar where incidentally, a famous band called Michael Will Never Learn To Rock, was playing. And to his disdain, the women, instead of falling for Varun’s pecs and 27 packs, started flirting with the scrawny MWNLTR band members. It was there and then he decided that he would be a band’s frontman instead! We don’t know what happened to the the MWNLTR people, but legend has it that their bones were unearthed on a chickpea plantation.

There was no stopping Varun after the revelation. He reduced his 27 packs to a measly 6, ripped all his custom made trousers at the knees and learned how to play the guitar from every Tom, Dick and Harry on YouTube. Rumours are that when he first played in public dressed in a clown costume (fetish thing), women all around climaxed thrice in succession as soon as he crooned the first syllable of his song. Numerous envious musicians died on the spot, where post mortems revealed a case of hummous overdose. But there was never any hummous obtained at the locations…

Watch Varun display one of his many special skills with the rest of Modern Mafia at the Cool Chef Cafe (Worli, Mumbai) on Sunday, January 22. 

Also while you’re there, come meet The Score team! They’ll have magazines and subscriptions for sale!

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