Some songs have beautiful profound lyrics. Some talk about whipping your hair back and forth, understandable enough. But these songs leave you in a state of constipated stupefaction ( also known as the permanent expression on Keanu Reeves’ face.) 

This!

5. Yellow – Coldplay

Hey man, your giant disembodied head is spoiling my sunset.

“Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow.”

Not all stars are yellow. Some are red. Some are purplish pink with pretty blue flakes in them. Lavender stars have been reported, but these claims are yet unverified. 

The colour of a star is a function of its effective temperature. Not so smart Chris Martin now are we? 

4. Get on the Bus – Destiny’s Child feat. Timbaland.

Kung-POW, niggas!

“Why you sleepin’ with ya eyes closed?”

It is obvious why they’re sleeping with their eyes closed, Timbaland, what is questionable is what your concept of sleep is. Did you confuse them with your pet goldfish again?

3. Rockstar – N.E.R.D

“Guess you ain’t heard that we swallow guys.”

What they probably meant : We are so incontrovertably badass in our approach towards music, we have been known to devour men.

What we heard : Hey guys, we swallow! Ain’t we cool?

2. Eleanor Rigby – The Beatles

“Look at him working. Darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?”

These socks

Maybe he does not want socks with holes in them? Is that concept to alien for you to understand Beatles? Or are you hurt that he didn’t stitch his socks with you? Was sock sewing somekind of seventies communal experience that we know nothing of? 

1. Where Was I? – David Hasselhorf

“Baby I’m confused. Well, wasn’t that you in my bed? When love finally said good-bye,Where was I?”

Lacking a senitient car, the Knight Rider star is as helpless as a baby and with a sexuality as duboius as a deviant alien pedobear. No David, it wasn’t her in your bed, it was your pet pug.

At this point, all the drugs you take have demolished any semblance of memory. Where were you, David? You were being arrested for molesting animals.